This morning I dreamed about my friend Brandon for the first time in recent memory. Maybe even the first time since his passing away 3 1/2 years ago. It was one of those dreams where a number of surrealistic situations come and go (a few and far between thing for me - I don't dream much anymore); the germane detail was that Brandon and I had skipped a river boat cruise and gone instead to a boardwalk Vietnamese restaurant. We were seated, ordered some appetizers; I fretted over what to have to drink ... and then started crying. Sobbing. "I know I'm dreaming," I said softly to him, "because you're talking and I can hear you." At that point his voice faded to mute, his visage blurred to my eyes, and I woke up.I'm hoping that by typing this out I'll transcend the empty, hollow feeling that results from a dream like that. It's not hard to interpret: one of my many regrets about his passing is that it came so suddenly, at 3,000 miles' distance, that I had no opportunity to say goodbye to him.
Back in February 2006, when a wake was held for him in San Francisco, two songs reverberated as part of my grieving process. There was a self-pitying and self-destructive impulse to be found in Death Cab for Cutie's "Soul Meets Body" ("if the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too," even if that's not what they meant by that). And then there was Thomas Dolby's "I Love You Goodbye," a 1992 nonhit that I've heard on the radio from time to time over the years. Its storyline of a Britisher joyriding in the deep Cajun Southeast has nothing at all to do with Brandon or me, but its refrain became my plea to myself for strength:
"There is a spirit here that won't be broken ... Some words are sad to say, some leave me tongue-tied / The hardest words I know: I love you, goodbye."
4 comments:
That was heartbreaking to read, PA.
I was thinking about Brandon on Monday myself. Couldn't even tell you why.
-D*
I think often of Brandon. It was heartbreaking when I heard it the first time. I still don't know how/what happened. Do you Joe?
btw, where did you find that pic? :) Its one of mine. Didn't realize I had it posted somewhere... Its good pic of him.
Ani - I wish I could remember who emailed me that pic many years ago. Might have been Brandon himself.
As to his passing - it was sudden and unexpected. I'd emailed with him that afternoon and he gave no indication of problems. But he fell ill while having dinner with his brother that night, went home, and expired. "Heart failure" was all they ever called it. I wish I knew more.
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